I miss you already.

On an ordinary day, lunch time with Grandma.

Dear Grandma,

(even though I know you would not be reading this, I hope the technology in heaven so elderly-user-friendly till its able to guide you on how to use the world wide web)

Thank you for raising me from the day I was born till now where I'm 16 years of age. You have fed me, clothed me, bathed me, supported me, guided me and taught me a million and one things in these 16 years. Its hard to believe and accept the fact that you are gone, just like that in front of my very eyes as I stood there watching the paramedics resuscitate you despite a faint and weak pulse and eventually, no pulse.

You held on and fought for your dear life for a very long time, waiting for your long-lost brother to return to Singapore after 5 years, reuniting the sibling relationship of an older sister and her given away brother just less than 12 hours ago.

2 years ago, I was part of the team in search for grand uncle in the whole state of WA, Perth especially. We combed homes after homes, hospitals and foster care, all to no such luck. We returned with the bad news, for we feared the worst. You were devastated and your moods started to slump. A few months went by, your spirits lightened up as you celebrated you 80th birthday, where your great grandchildren came down to Singapore just for you. Coping with grandpa's passing was already devastating for you, the two little tykes, Pia and Myles did wonders to perk up your spirits in terms of mental health and stability. They embraced you, and they love you.

A year and a half later, came three more grandchildren, Sarah, Jacob and Nigel! They absolutely love your house, they love coming to play at "machok's" house and they love indulging in fried chicken where you would specially request Lyn to fry ALL the chicken wings we had in the freezer, also, they love you. You couldn't be anymore happier to not only see your 3 adorable grandchildren up and about, you were so lucky you already had GREAT-grandchildren before your other siblings!

You led a great and fortunate life, you were never seen as a form of burden, neither were you seen as a form of "chore-responsibilty". My family was happy to take care of you, after all, you had Me to talk to in different dialects and trash talk about mum and my niece. You could eat anything you want, whenever you wanted and we seldom had to control because you controlled on your ownself. We always had family dinners on Sundays and countless of steamboat and seafood dinners at home or at Jumbo seafood restaurant. You'd laugh at me for my greediness when it comes to black pepper or chilli crab on weekend dinners.

Best thing that happened, yesterday. Granduncle had touched down, you were so excited to the extent where you told me over and over and over again that granduncle is coming down and that we would be attending the dinner. Grandma, you know you have the heart of a hundred year old, it is never good to get to excited over something as this will result in the increase of adrenaline, which gets your heart pumping faster than normal. This is not good for you, however the unevitable happened. What was earth-shattering was that we were all too late. As the gate flung open, you fell into shock. Your head was down and closing in on your airways, restricting oxygen supply into the body. Your face started to turn purple, then it become cold and clammy. That was when we knew it was too late, the unavoidable has happened. Yet all of us did not give up hope and avoided thinking of the worse case scenario. You had a blessing in disguise, among us were 2 medically trained medic and nurse, and 1 more was a learning nurse. They knew how CPR worked and they kept your pulse going for 15minutes.

The ambulance took 20minutes to come, and by then, it was far too late. Your pulse had faded away, your body had dead weight all over, everything was cold and clammy... I sat at the sofa and prayed. And prayed and prayed and prayed. I begged God for a miracle to happen. I wanted everything to go away, take away this feeling. I asked God to help my grandma thru and guide her thru the way. God did so, he took you by hand and he led the way, into his kingdom.

Saying goodbye was the hardest, letting go was even worse. Everyone stayed vigil when we got to the hospital to see you one last time. When it was time for you to be transported into the morgue, I could not let go, it was far too painful and I didn't want you to go thru post mortem examination. Every minute of it I spent wishing it is all a nightmare and when I pinched myself it would not hurt. I was wrong, it hurt, it hurt so badly it broke my heart. I never wanted you to go you were already a part of me, a part of my life. Why did you have to leave me?
Then again, I think to myself, its for the better, to join grandpa in heaven where he has been waiting for almost 3 years to rekindle your loving relationship they shared.

My grandma let go of life, she had fulfilled her last wish, it was to have a family dinner with her long-lost brother and to die in the presence of her loved ones. She never liked being alone, even if there were only her and somebody else in the house, she wouldn't mind. As long as she was never, ever alone.

Grandma, I already miss you and I love you.
Loving you always:
your mak-nenek grand-daughter, Natalie.